Epicmafia

HAAALP (2)

almost 10 years

Guys help me, tell me my application has been appropriately written. This is for a scholarship in the states during summer. They want to know more about my interest for the transatlantic cooperation and various projects in different domains.

Be painfully honest. What do you think?

I am a student at “George Cosbuc” Bilingual Highschool and I am highly interested in social problems, diplomacy and learning more about transatlantic cooperation especially NATO. I consider myself a great candidate for this scholarship, mainly because I have a large interest in the global interaction between different countries and it would be a great opportunity to develop my social skills in a new environment.

I have attended ancient philosophy courses and I very much enjoy modern history. Given my interest in problem solving and contemporary conflict resolution, I fully feel that I would be able to interact with other foreign nationals. During last few months I have been an active member of the new founded Science Club in my school where a lot projects are still in progress, such as the construction of a hoverboard or the restoration of an old Otto engine.

I consider myself an educated and confident person. A few months ago, I won a local general knowledge context on TV. The TV show had been initially recorded and ultimately broadcasted throughout the country. Earning this scholarship would assist me a lot in the near future and it would also develop my way of thinking. Another interest I have developed during highschool has been modern technology. Held in my city, the Olympiad of “The Information and Communications Technology” has been a great and useful experience where the abilities in web design were tested , ending up winning 2nd prize.

In closing, I think that my past experiences, current interest in transatlantic relations and future career goals are all aligned with what this scholarship can offer and I believe that it would hugely benefit me in the future. Attending a bilingual hischool would ease a lot the interaction between me and foreign nations which would ultimately result in a better collaboration between teenagers from different parts of the continent and having a different culture.

deletedalmost 10 years

The only part that really didn't make much sense to me was the last sentence. How would you getting this scholarship change what teenagers do?

Also, in college essays it is a necessity to be absolutely pristine and precise in your writing. Especially as a student in a bilingual school, they expect you to have accurate grammar and punctuation (which some of this lacked).

I agree with zero. On certain parts, you could have elaborated a bit more on your experience/desire to attain the scholarship. If the essay was limited to a certain amount of characters then leave it as is I suppose.

Otherwise, your vocabulary for this essay is great but some instances were a bit awkwardly written

deletedalmost 10 years

I am a student at “George Cosbuc” Bilingual High School and I am highly interested in social problems, diplomacy and learning more about transatlantic cooperation such as NATO. I consider myself a great candidate for this scholarship, mainly because I have a large interest in the global interaction between different countries and it would be a great opportunity to develop my social skills in a new environment.

I have attended ancient philosophy courses and I very much enjoy modern history. Given my interest in problem solving and contemporary conflict resolution, I fully feel that I would be able to interact with other foreign nationals. In a duration of few months I have been an active member of the new founded science club in my school where a lot projects are still in progress, such as the construction of a hoverboard or the restoration of an old Otto engine.

I consider myself an educated and confident person. A few months ago, I won a local general knowledge contest on television. The show had been initially recorded and ultimately broadcasted throughout the country. Earning this scholarship would assist me a great amount in the near future and would also develop my way of thinking. Another interest I have developed during high school has been modern technology. Held in my city, the Olympiad of “The Information and Communications Technology” has been a great and useful experience where my abilities in web design were tested and awarded second place.

In closing, I think that my past experiences, current interest in transatlantic relations and future career goals are all aligned with what this scholarship can offer: a myriad of benefits in the future. Attending a bilingual high school helped conjoin the interaction between me and foreign nations which would ultimately result in a better collaboration between teenagers from different parts of the continent and having a different culture.

deletedalmost 10 years

I'm going to proofread this for you and make a few points of how you can fix it.

deletedalmost 10 years

so in short, no your application has not been "appropriately written"

Satan

almost 10 years

I would explain how those various experiences has piqued your interest in the transatlantic cooperation, etc. basically like, cool you did science club, what difference does that make? Just make things more relevant to why you're applying.

deletedalmost 10 years

you getting a scholarship would help all teenagers interact better? only booze does that

deletedalmost 10 years

what does your science club that was 'new founded' have to do with anything at all? also lol at the juxtaposition of a hoverboard and an old engine reconstruction

deletedalmost 10 years

'hugely benefit me' makes no sense

deletedalmost 10 years

if you use 'a lot' one more time, do you get a steam achievement?

deletedalmost 10 years

that last sentence in the second-to-last paragraph is a garbagefire

deletedalmost 10 years

don't say TV say television like a real man

deletedalmost 10 years

you need to focus on winning epicmafia trophies rather than getting scholarships that will help further your career.

deletedalmost 10 years

good for you that you attended ancient history courses. did you participate? attended is a horrible choice of word for that

deletedalmost 10 years

how would earning a scholarship help develop your way of thinking? that makes no sense