over 8 years

I had to write a short "essay" about my career goals and myself in order to be accepted at uni... It doesn't have to follow a certain structure. Is it okish? I don't even think they actually read these things so I guess it just has to be grammatically correct and sound good. Is it decent? I wrote it in a hurry. (I am not a native speaker, so be gentle)

My name is John A. and I graduated from ”George C” Bilingual National College under the guidance of Mr. Alexander B., our head teacher. I am an extroverted, energetic and analytical person who enjoys keeping in touch with society’s day-to-day problems, especially the social ones. My interest in science has been somewhat newer. I have been an active member of the newly founded Science Club in my school where my former classmates and myself restored an old Otto engine and tried to construct our own working hoverboard. I have also participated in the Olympiad of “Information and Communications Technology” where web design abilities were tested and ended up winning 2nd prize. In 11th grade, I won a local general knowledge contest on TV which had been initially recorded and ultimately broadcast throughout the country. I have chosen The University of Economic Sciences because I want to pursue a Bachelor’s degree in Economic Cybernetics. The Faculty of Economic Cybernetics, Statistics and Informatics would offer me the opportunity of working in different companies and organizations from various fields of activity, such as web development, software design, application development or computer networks. In an increasingly digitalized and interconnected world, where anything is just a click away, pursuing a career in informatics is thrilling. Although I haven’t been thinking about a Master's Degree, I hope this faculty will fully fulfill my expectations and will eventually follow a Master’s Degree in this vast field of activity. I hope I will be actively engaged in the students’ associations and get myself involved into the social life of the university. For instance, the students exchange program is a great tool in changing and shaping youngsters’ perception and mentality about today’s society. I strongly believe that getting to know new people coming from different social climates would hugely help me enlarge my horizons and conception about the surrounding reality. Attending a bilingual highschool has eased a lot the interaction between me and other foreign nationals, which would ultimately result in a better collaboration between students from different parts of the continent and living in different social climates. In closing, I think that my past experiences, current interest in informatics and economics, as well as my future career goals are all aligned with what this university can offer and I believe that it would be a great benefit to me as I move forward.

over 8 years
The essay is a little all over the place. The transition from where you describe yourself to your interest in science is a rough one. As a reader, you introduce yourself as someone who is aware of social problems. I'm suddenly expecting you to mention something about how you get involved in those problems. That would be a good place to put some kind of volunteer experience or something that indicates that you reached out and were socially aware.

The sentence "My interest in science has been somewhat newer." is what comes off rough. Newer compared to what? You could try to more easily transition from the last topic with something like this "Alongside my interest in making society better, I discovered an interest (or passion) in science." Then briefly describe what brought you into science before you list off your accolades.

You'd also do well to explain why you're interested in Economics and not just something like robotics where you could also leverage your science knowledge. Do you think that you could help better predict economic trends and stave off economic hardship? Or do you just really get a hard-on when you see an indifference curve?

You've got some impressive awards and accolades, but the one thing that might help you more is the "Why". More about your personality and what brought you to that point.

Your closing statement is a little lackluster and sort of a run-on. Something a little simpler and to the point might be a bit better. "My drive, passion, and skills will enable me to excel at this university and apply all I learn in my future career."

Still it was pretty damn well written and best of luck!


If you are trying to get into economic cybernetics, you might want put a bit more into your economic background if any.