Now as I'm writing this, I've thought about it. It wasn't learning that drove me to study, It wasn't being motivated for a better future that drove me to study, It was the constant competition that drove me to study. Losing out means shame. Getting an A doesn't mean you've done well, as others still scored better. This materialistically competitive mindset has been ingrained into my mind, and it seems hopeless to fix it. I didn't like learning, I liked scoring better than others. I didn't like sports, I liked being better than others at sports. I didn't like school, I just liked being better than everyone else. But as I've realized this, I've come upon a sad conclusion. I will never be truly happy and satisfied with myself because there are always people better than me. There's definitely somebody out that, that's striving better than I am. Does it suck to hear that? Absolutely. But this is absolutely the best reality that I have to accept in order for me to be happy. I have to be proud of my accomplishments, be contented with what I get instead of comparing with others, and not be an arrogant prick when I do succeed.
Thank you, the EpicMafia community, for guiding the way for a broader mindset inside the mind of this Asian Twink. I appreciate the lessons you've taught me that's irreplaceable in my heart.
Now, I'm doing WAY better than when I was a child. I found that I could absorb information cohesively now and I felt at place with studying. However, it wasn't all sunshine. I would always be disappointed whenever I lost out in class positioning or test papers, and the feeling of irritation comes. Of course, it motivated me to work harder but it wasn't healthy. I would hate myself for being dumb, while simultaneously build a large amount of arrogance and narcissism for being successful. I was scoring A's everywhere, but it didn't satisfy me because I wasn't at the top of my class, there were always people doing better than me despite my established results yet I felt knocked-down, as if I could never be on their level. To make things worse, for my national exams, they've implemented a bell-curve system where you really have to stand out among the rest. This was incredibly unhealthy, as I was hoping that I would do well enough while also hoping that my peers would flop and fail.
Okay, now let me rant about something more serious - let's talk about the topic of education.
Ah, I live in Singapore, where the education system here is highly regarded as the "best education system" in the world. Reading upon articles about how the education system leads to teenage suicide and a overwhelming amount of stress, it really fascinates me how I've grown accustomed to the "survival of the fittest" culture.
From young, I've subconsciously grown into the conceited culture of competition among your peers. I believe, this is due to the fact that it is not unorthodox for Asian parents to compare their child with their peers. I've personally been a victim of this treatment, and I have to say it is one of the most demoralizing things ever. I wasn't a smart child at a young age, I'll have to admit that. Learning things took me far longer than it would've been for my classmates, I was always consistently on the bottom of the food chain. A great upset caused from not only my parent, but my teachers, and even classmates as well who were better at almost everything I did, It wasn't a nice feeling to say the least. Since then, I've always aspired to become better than others.
Taking my first national examination, at the age of twelve years old, I felt an immense amount of stress pressurized mainly from my peers. They loved to compare results among each other, striving to the best among the group and getting into a better school than the person next to them. It honestly felt like school was .. a battleground. I was not only battling my own stupidity, but also for my own humility. I didn't want to lose out. I didn't want to be inferior. I didn't want to be .. left out.
ok so i went to the gym today and it was gucci. i watched pee mak with jackson and it was really subparrr but it was funny tho :D ok day 4 of my workout regime wish me well guys.
also, song of the day:
i fcking love g drag he is an absolute king. his stage presence is immaculate
THROWBACK TO MY CLIQUE ANTHEM, THIS IS THE KIND OF CRAP I JAM TO EVERYDAY BACK WHEN I WAS 14 IT IS AWESOMEE!! MY WEINER BIGGER THAN A TOWER I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT EFFIELS!!!
I was doing some house-cleaning today, and found a birthday that my friends made for me during my 14th birthday. It included my glorious unglams, a bunch of birthday wishes from my other friends, and heart wrenching messages that ultimately made me tear up. 2015 was truly a glorious year for me, a year of innocence and fun, a year of fooling around and discovering myself, I wish I could go back to those old times. As ever, time is cruel. I've now drifted apart from some of my friends that I truly miss dearly, and I can't really do anything about it, and it honestly sucks. =( I honestly would do anything right now to go back to when I was fourteen years old ... *sniffs*
Anyone else here feels the same sense of nostalgia as I did? D=
Absolutely loved the Movie and the Manga!! My favorite character in the series has to be Ueno, maybe I'm a terrible human being too but I relate to her a lot =D
