Epicmafia

Vatican Vacation

over 9 years

This is a choose your own adventure game. I will allow 4-5 people to participate at any given time until I run out of ideas for this specific topic.

Several months ago, you journeyed to Europe in search of adventure. The plan was to backpack across the continent, drinking your way through country to country with no agenda but to live life to its fullest, Carpe Diem so they say..

Disappointingly, you've hardly done anything you planned to do, including eating, sleeping, and breathing all of the different amazing cultures.

The only thing you HAVE done is visit a bunch of old crumbled buildings, usually among other tourists. And today—the last day of your trip—is no different.

You’re at the Vatican, looking at the architecture with a tour group.

Your grand European adventure is on the verge of ending, and if you don’t do something soon, your trip will have been for naught.

A) Stray from the tour group and explore by yourself

B) Do calisthenics

C) Do groin stretches

D) Use the Vatican's toilet

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

hi grandma! miss u. oh and A

“I am afraid I cannot disclose this information,” says Turok.

“The Pope is a privileged patron of the Eternal Kingdom, and those who wish to know his location must either consult with God directly or bite their own willy off as a sign of good faith.”

A) Ask to consult with God directly

B) Bite off your willy

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

A

“Here she is,” says Turok, gesturing to your beloved Nonnie. “May I assist you with anything else?”

A) Yes, where can I find The Pope?

B) No please teleport me back home so I don't have to pay for travel

hi grandma! miss u. oh and A

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

A

“Here she is,” says Turok, gesturing to your beloved Nonnie. “May I assist you with anything else?”

A) Yes, where can I find The Pope?

B) No please teleport me back home so I don't have to pay for travel

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

screw it, B i miss her

“Very well,” Turok replies. “I will take you to see your dead grandma. Follow me.”

A) Follow the powerful archangel baby.

B) Say nevermind and ask to see The Pope

Satan

over 9 years

justrec says

A

You chose to agree to watch the Pope.

"Great thanks, come on in." said the guard.

"I'll introduce ya to him."

“Pope, I’ve got a new friend for you to meet,” the guard says to the leader of the world’s 1 billion Roman Catholics, who is currently standing a little more than four feet in front of you like it's no big deal at all. Just chillin' like buds.

“He’s gonna be in charge for a little while, so don’t give him any trouble, okay?”

A) Timidly say hello to the pope

B) Say Hi but very slowly because you are not sure if he is understanding you

justrec

over 9 years

Satan says

justrec says

C

"Hell yeah! Who else would be called His Holiness in Vatican City??"

A) Yes of course.

B) No thanks, this is too exciting for me.

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

screw it, B i miss her

“Very well,” Turok replies. “I will take you to see your dead grandma. Follow me.”

A) Follow the powerful archangel baby.

B) Say nevermind and ask to see The Pope

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

B

The garbage bags hold together beautifully, and after a twenty nine-day vertical journey through space in which there were zero opportunities to use the bathroom, you arrive at the gates of Heaven.

“Hello, and welcome to Heaven, the big pile of clouds filled with dead grandmas. I am the Archangel Turok, general concierge and guardian of God’s many sports trophies. How may I assist you?”

A) I am looking for the Pope, have you seen him?

B) I would like to see my dead grandma.

screw it, B i miss her

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

B

The garbage bags hold together beautifully, and after a twenty nine-day vertical journey through space in which there were zero opportunities to use the bathroom, you arrive at the gates of Heaven.

“Hello, and welcome to Heaven, the big pile of clouds filled with dead grandmas. I am the Archangel Turok, general concierge and guardian of God’s many sports trophies. How may I assist you?”

A) I am looking for the Pope, have you seen him?

B) I would like to see my dead grandma.

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

B

Great idea! Heaven is the Pope’s second favorite place to go when he wants to get away from it all.

How would you like to get there?

A) Shoot yourself in the head with a gun.

B) Make a hot air balloon out of garbage bags and float there.

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

B

Great idea! Heaven is the Pope’s second favorite place to go when he wants to get away from it all.

How would you like to get there?

A) Shoot yourself in the head with a gun.

B) Make a hot air balloon out of garbage bags and float there.

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

A there's no time to think things through, act impulsively!

You run out to the Square hoping you will find the Pope, but you can’t see him anywhere. You check the ground for fresh feces, but you find nothing.

This isn’t going to be easy.

To find the Pope, you’re going to need to think like the Pope.

Where would the Pope want to be?

A) A place with many bibles

B) To Heaven

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

A there's no time to think things through, act impulsively!

You run out to the Square hoping you will find the Pope, but you can’t see him anywhere. You check the ground for fresh feces, but you find nothing.

This isn’t going to be easy.

To find the Pope, you’re going to need to think like the Pope.

Where would the Pope want to be?

A) A place with many bibles

B) To Heaven

Satan

over 9 years

justrec says

C

"Hell yeah! Who else would be called His Holiness in Vatican City??"

A) Yes of course.

B) No thanks, this is too exciting for me.

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

B, kicking it open would scare him to death

Oh, crap! The old man flew the coop! You shouldn’t have let him leave the room.

Better go find him fast, otherwise you’ll be in serious trouble.

A) Go find the Pope

B) Mull over your options for a minute

A there's no time to think things through, act impulsively!

justrec

over 9 years

Satan says

justrec says

A

"Awesome, I knew you were kidding, haha...can you do me a favor and keep an eye on His Holiness for me?" Asked the guard.

"It will only be a few minutes."

A) uuuuuh okay

B) Nahhhh

C) His Holiness...as in...The Pope??

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

B, kicking it open would scare him to death

Oh, crap! The old man flew the coop! You shouldn’t have let him leave the room.

Better go find him fast, otherwise you’ll be in serious trouble.

A) Go find the Pope

B) Mull over your options for a minute

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

A just because B is too lewd for the vatican

Huh. No response. What if he died? That would be terrible. You’d be forever remembered as the guy who couldn’t watch the Pope for two minutes without him dying.

They’d probably assume that you killed him.

and then you would go to jail.

You should go in there and make sure he isn’t dead.

A) Kick down the door

B) Open the door normally

B, kicking it open would scare him to death

Satan

over 9 years

justrec says

A

"Awesome, I knew you were kidding, haha...can you do me a favor and keep an eye on His Holiness for me?" Asked the guard.

"It will only be a few minutes."

A) uuuuuh okay

B) Nahhhh

C) His Holiness...as in...The Pope??

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

A just because B is too lewd for the vatican

Huh. No response. What if he died? That would be terrible. You’d be forever remembered as the guy who couldn’t watch the Pope for two minutes without him dying.

They’d probably assume that you killed him.

and then you would go to jail.

You should go in there and make sure he isn’t dead.

A) Kick down the door

B) Open the door normally

justrec

over 9 years

Satan says

justrec says

C

"Whoa whoa," the guard started to say, grabbing his sword.

A) Cut him off and reassure him you were joking as this is not the time for jokes.

B) Let him finish and then plead for your life as you stare face to face with death

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

A, this furniture sucks and Caroline wouldn't want any of it

You're outside of the little pope's room.

You don't hear any bathroom activity going on, so you knock on the door.

A) Pope...are you there?

B) Shout loudly, "Pope, is everything okay with your a$$?"

A just because B is too lewd for the vatican

Satan

over 9 years

jack says

A, this furniture sucks and Caroline wouldn't want any of it

You're outside of the little pope's room.

You don't hear any bathroom activity going on, so you knock on the door.

A) Pope...are you there?

B) Shout loudly, "Pope, is everything okay with your a$$?"

Satan

over 9 years

justrec says

C

"Whoa whoa," the guard started to say, grabbing his sword.

A) Cut him off and reassure him you were joking as this is not the time for jokes.

B) Let him finish and then plead for your life as you stare face to face with death

jack

over 9 years

Satan says

jack says

B, i wonder if IKEA sells this stuff

You stay and look at the furniture for another minute before realizing that the guard will be back any second and the Pope isn't here.

Will you

A) Run to the bathroom

B) Stay and look at furniture some more, maybe call Caroline and ask if she would like any of these for your future home together.

A, this furniture sucks and Caroline wouldn't want any of it